Friday, April 29, 2011

Another family weekend

So this is another family weekend, this time with my parents since they could not go last weekend to my sister's. So another weekend of pretending and not being me. I guess my weight change is obvious as the first thing my mother said when she saw me was "you lose some weight? You look good" As she tapped my tummy. It was all I could do to stop myself from giggling like a school girl. Later on she ask if I had been spending time outside (and I froze, knowing she noticed the tan ... and I never tan) ..I asked her what she ment and she said that my face looked like it had some color and looked good. I just smiled and made something up (well I streched the truth, making an afternoon playing outside with my friends kids sound like several times), cause if I said I was tanning she would not drop it and there is no way I am telling the truth that I want cute sexy bikini tan lines! (And I am still working on the heart tan on the butt, I tan again Monday and I hope this time I can line it up so I can get the heart to tan in the same spot).

Oh yea, so I was doing some research online ... and they say with feminization hormones it takes a coule of years to grow any kind of natural breats and if you are lucky you might get a B cup breats. Also it is not till the third year that you start to loose the upper body bulk of being a man. That is sad to read cause I really want to loose my upper bulk. And I am not sure how easy it will be to get below 140 lbs, it might take longer and a ton of work (but I am ready to try and do no matter how long it take and willing to do anything to get to 125). Also I did find some post about people questioning if transfemme pills really worked, some people quoted their web site and pointed out medical miss spellings, some facts that are wrong, and some miss consistencies in posts. That is really sad as I was really thinking about trying them this winter. I need to read more about it before I try it.

Well that is all for now, I miss my nightys so much right now :(

XOXOXO
Vicky

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I am so jealous of girls

So as the title says ... I am so jealous of girls! Now that the weather is warmer out women at work are starting to wear skirts into the office and I can not :( well I guess technically I could wear one. There is one woman in particular that I am jealous of, she is so thin, and wears tight clothing. During the winter she wears these tight spandex pants that hug her butt (normally she wears thongs so the pants go into her butt ... she has worn some low cut skirts where the thong back 'T' was showing. And today she has on a nice knee length black pencil skirt with a little tight silk top with flowers on. She also has some really nice tight short dresses that she wears. I so wish I was a girl.

XOXOXO
Vicky

End of month progress report

So at the end of every month I am going to start posting up a progress report of my list of goals and my physical measurements and pictures of myself (well this time I am not posting pictures as I have already posted up several this month). Yea I know this month is not over yet, but I am going to be busy this weekend with family and friends so I do not think I will have any time to sit down and really post anything. Also it means another weekend where I can not be myself. :(

So here is a break down of current goals by month for the rest of this year. Missing my weight goal this month just means I need to work harder next month to make sure I get that weight goal. Since this is my first month and I started exorcising partway through the month I do not feel bad missing my weight by only 1.5 lbs. I need to sit down and think about more feminization goals. Currently I am only thinking about the physical goals, but as my progression moves on I need to start thinking of other goals (social and psychological)

EDIT:  I did measure myself when the month was actually over and I did hit the 160 lbs!!!




Month Goal Did I reach my goal?
April weight 160 lbs 160 lbs
May weight 150 lbs (I think I can get to this weight in the month) -
June weight 140 lbs(not sure if I will be able to drop another 10 lbs in another month but I will try) -
July - -
August weight 130 lbs(really not sure I can get to this in just 2 months) -
September - -
October weight 125 lbs (my end goal if I can get there)
Get my bellybutton pierced
start to take transfemme pills (one twice a day)
start to shave my legs again
start to tan with my bikini top on
-
November Increase Transfemme pills to 2 twice a day and start with breast growth cream -
December Get my tongue pierced
Increase Transfemme pills to 3 twice a day and keep using breast growth cream
-
2012 Come out to family and friends and maybe work.
Find out about breast implants.
Start to get feminization facial surgery (right now I am thinking chin and nose?
Look into legally changing my name.
-

And here is are my measurements to track my progress:
Body April May June July August
weight 160 lb - - - -
cafes 15" - - - -
thighs 22" - - - -
hips/butt 37" - - - -
just above hips 30.5" - - - -
woman's natural waist 30" - - - -
under chest 33" - - - -
over breasts 35" - - - -
over chest 33" - - - -
forearm 9.5" - - - -
biceps 11" - - - -

XOXOXO
Vicky

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

One problem with not being out about cross-dressing

So wearing women clothing feels natural and normal to me. I do not really think about it and this can cause a problem, I do not know how many times I have almost run to the store for a quick trip dressed up, catching myself as I open the door (I cannot wait till I make a transition and can live full time as a woman). So today I had to get up at 4am to go to work early. (I think you can see where this is going) ... I did my normal routine took a shower, put on my moisturizers, put on panties, nylons, a skirt, bra, and flowy beach top coverup. Then I went downstairs and ironed my shirt, put it on, ironed my pants, eat my 1/2 cup of cereal, brushed my teeth ... then the last thing I do is swap my skirt for pants and take the bra off .... well I forgot that last step! I did not realize it till I was pulling into the parking lot at work and the only reason I noticed it was cause I had an itch on my shoulder. I was so shocked and scared. Luckily it is early and not many people are here (I could not go home and take it off as that would take to long) so I zipped up my coat and went in, going to the bathroom right away to take it off.

Well I need to get back to work now.

XOXOXO
Vicky

Monday, April 25, 2011

New Pictures

So before I post up the pictures I must say that already in just a couple weeks my figure is starting to really get smaller. My size 10 skirts are fitting loosely now, and if I wear my corset they are almost to loose to wear (I have to push them way down low on my hips)! While I am upset that I will soon have to get ride of my skirts, I am very very happy that I will have to get smaller ones!!

So here are 2 pictures of me with no corset, in a boy's polo shirt with a skirt on.
 And here are the same basic pictures of me in my under-bust corset.


XOXOXO
Vicky

Happy Monday

This morning I weighted myself expecting to have gained weight, but I was down 1 lb since last Thursday! I was so happy. Also I was looking in the mirror after ironing my shirt today and I think my figure is coming along. With a male shirt my upper body does not look so big. I wanted to take a picture to post up in my skirt and shirt but I was running late this morning so I will take one tonight and post it (actually I will take 2 ... 1 without my corset and 1 with my corset). Also I looked at the food I am planning to eat today, it adds up to only 770 calories with only 34 g of protein (about half of what is recommend .... but everything has protein in it so it is going to be hard to cut my protein intake down).

XOXOXO
Vicky

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Good to be back home

While I do love my family, it is always good to be back home, where I can be myself. The first thing I did when I walked in the door was put on a dress. I feel more me in a dress. Well back to the grind now. Must drop more body weight. I think taking a couple days off of any kind of workout was good for my body. I need to remember that I do need to take a day off here and there, but if you do not take any time off you keep working the muscles, breaking them down and not giving them time to fully rebuild themselves. This should help me drop some bulk in my legs. I have added push-ups today into my workouts hoping they will help me drop some upper body bulk. With light workouts I should ton up my upper body and hopefully break down some muscle and with low calorie intake with almost no protein and over working muscles I should be about to get my goals. I think I am going to adjust and aim for dropping 10 lbs a month for a couple months. Okay, I need to go take my makeup off so I can get to bed, need to get up early so I can workout before work.

XOXOXO
Vicky

Friday, April 22, 2011

Family

So i am at my sisters for the holiday weekend. I am here in bed and not able to wear a nighty. It feels so strange to be in be in sweat pants and a tshirt, my legs feel all scratchy. I was talking with my sister and she was telling me about different procedures she wants to have done to help stay young and good looking (she is a little over the top about this ... but maybe she will understand when I get thing done to be more feminie). I told her that I was wokring on dropping weight to be 'healthier' and she said it sounded good. And I said I should probably weight under 150 lbs and she did not think that was to small .... so I think it will be a while till my family starts to wonder about my transformation .... my mother always asks me what are these muscles, where is that slim runners body you used to have? Not sure what they will think of my end dream weight of 125 lbs (or smaller if I can), but I am sure it will take me most of the summer to get down to 140 lbs. So I was just thinking, my sister probably will accept my change, my mother will hate it, question it, but I think still love even with the change, but it will be hard for here .... my father .. not sure if he will talk to me again when he finds out. But I have to do what is right for me. And I truely believe and feel this is right for me. Okay that is enogh for now.

XOXOXO
Vicky

Holidays

Do not get me wrong, I love my family and get along great with them.  But I just hate that I have to lie and cannot be myself.  I wish I could dress as I wanted, be who I wanted, act as I wanted.  I need to remember to not act all girly.  I try hard when I am home to act girly with my movements, my walk, my hand gestures, how I stand ... but this weekend ... I have to lie and pretend I am someone else.  Sometimes I even lie about women, making up stories about fake dates, normally I just turn around the wording, thinking about what I would like to do as the woman and I think of it being me as the girl and just tell them about that.  All I will be able to wear of my women's clothing are panties .. no nylons, no bra, no skirts or dresses.  I hate the holidays.  I cannot wait till I can be a woman full time and out in public, to live my life as a woman.

XOXOXO
Vicky

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Tan Lines

So I never realized just how hard it was to line up my bikini bottom every time I tan to get a constant tan and get sexy tan lines.  But I think today I figured out what my problem is.  Every time I tan I try to line up the bikini bottom with the tan line, then when I am putting on the tanning lotion and get into the tanning bed the bikini slides down a little.  The last 2 times I tanned the bikini bottom heart tan butt cut out really tanned well (I mean you can see it is a heart now) .. but both times they have been a little lower then the time before.  Also the top tan line on my butt slides down a little each time.  What I think I need to do is line my bikini bottom up with my lower waist (just over my hips) that way it is easy to reset the bikini bottom when I get into the tanning bed so I get a constant tan every time and sexy cute tan lines!  and the little heart tan on my butt will not move around and become a tan blob.

But it does not help the the tanning place does not have a full body mirror in the tanning rooms, they just have a little oval mirror at face height, so it is really heart to line things up correctly in the back .. using my natural body to try and line it up will make it a way easier.  At first this will mess up my tan, as I will have over it darker, and then the covered area really white, but there will be a middle skin area that was getting tanned and not anymore, I am sure it will take a month or so before it lightens up, but that is okay, just another lesson learned.  Use a natural body feature to line up the bikini with so I can tan the same every time.

XOXOXO
-Vicky

Morning

So I weighted my self this morning and I am down 2 lbs already this week!  And today I am able to wear a pair of jeans I could not really wear a few weeks ago (the thighs were just to tight, the side seams dug into my legs and the waist really hurt, but today .. the waist is nice and lose and the thighs fit nicely).  My working out is starting to pay off.  I knew it would take a few weeks before I really started to see any kind of results.  I also think that trying to keep my calorie intake down to 1000 a day is also helping when I try to bike 600 calories a day.  I keep eating every couple hours, not a lot, but something (hand full of carrots, light yogurt, some peppers, eat my only 1/2 my lunch  and the other 1/2 a couple hours later).  I was starting to get sick of all the working out.  Really getting tiered of getting up early to bike, then biking and doing leg/butt exercises in the evening, by the time I was showered and had something to eat it was always after 8 pm, sometimes closer to 9.  Does not leave me a lot of time to do anything.  But now seeing some of the results, I think it is all worth it.  Oh and today I noticed that the heart tan on my butt is now really visible!  The bikini bottom was a little low last time I tanned so the heart so it does not fully match up with the 'smug' tan, it is on the bottom of it, I need to get better at lining it up now that it is visible, I wonder how long will it take for the other tanned area around the heart to lighten up if I get the bikini lined up better from now on. 

I need to start working on my voice again, I have not done that in a while.  Maybe while I bike I just need to sing and talk, working on my pitch.

And I have to say I hate shorts weather, I really miss the cold.  I was drying off this morning and my legs are starting to get some hair on them.  I stop shaving my legs and chest for the summer.  I am not yet ready to be fully shaved year round and have people see it.  I am hoping that next year I will be ready and I can keep my body nice and smooth year round (I really hate body hair on myself).  Also soon it will be to warm for a coat and I will have to stop wearing bras when I go out to the stores. :(  In the winter I normally wear a bra and a woman's shirt under a sweater and my coat, but no when it is warm outside.

XOXOXO
Vicky

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The big question

 So on my drive home today I was thinking about what I would post on my blog tonight and I thought why not the big question.  Now you might be asking what is the big question .. well that is SRS, and for those of you that do not know what that means .. it is Sex Reassignment Surgery, where they take your outy and make it an inny (or another way is they take your man parts and make them your woman parts).  Now when I first started dreaming and wish I could be a tgirl, I never really thought about this (actually I did not know this existed, I only knew about transsexual women with penises).  But the whole time I have always wished I could be the bottom, I never thought or dreamed or wished to top, I never thought about my own penis, just being the woman and pleasing men.  I think the first time I really started to wonder about this was when I started to really cross-dress all the time when I was home (so about 5 or so years ago) .. I thought it would be easier to dress if I did not have my penis.  I never thought about it sexually, or wished for it, it was just more of a oh this skirt would fit better if I did not have this between my legs.  Now I figure at some point I will become non-functional as I will take hormones, that does not bother me as I do not plan to use it.  But getting SRS is a whole different thing.  Now looking at it .. I am not sure.  I kind of like the idea, the thought that I can be a real woman the way I feel and the way I see myself and want to be seen.  I would not have to worry about what people thought of me as they would see me as a woman (and if I am going to be non-functional .. why not?).  I really thinking about it ... I think there is a good chance I will get the SRS.  But if I was to do it it would be a couple years out, and I am not sure where I will be in life.  I mean I could be in a solid relationship with a man that loves me as I am and not care and want me to keep it ... if that is the case then I probably will not ... but ... if I am not there .. I have a feeling I will get it done.  There is a no going back from this, but I think I want and will do it .. but I need to wait and see where I am in a couple years.  Right now, I think I will do it, but I can not say for sure.  The thought of it does not bother me, it actually kind of comforts me.  Well that is it for now.

XOXOXO
Vicky

Comment settings now set to anyone

I did not realize it, but the default setting for comments was for registered users only, I just updated that so anyone can post  comments.  Please feel free to leave me comments about your thoughts.

XOXOXO
Vicky

Quick update on things

So my tan is coming along nicely, my skin is starting to get darker (I am normally very pale).  The heart tan on the butt is still not very recognizable as a heart, but I have hopes for it.  The last couple days I have really been good about what I have eaten and I am down 1 lb!  And my thighs are 1/4 of an inch smaller.  Whenever you start working out it always take a few weeks before you start to lose weight, need to tone and firm up the muscles first and they weight more then the fat you lose.  So I really hope I am past that part and I can start to lose weight.  I will keep with trying to eat only 1000 calories, and if I can burn 500 to 600 calories a day in working out I should be able to drop some weight fast (like 2 lbs a week would be really nice).  I am going to wait a month and then I will take some new pictures and post them up to see how I am doing.

<EDIT: I just realized I forgot to say that both my lower waist and upper waist are both down 1/2 an inch also! ... lower waist I mean below my belly button where the waist of my panties hit, and upper waist I mean over my bellybutton.>

XOXOXO
Vicky

Monday, April 18, 2011

So more pictures

Okay, my fears of posting up pictures are gone.  I figured I needed to get some pictures in dresses.  I am still removing the eyes from the pictures.  It will probably not be till next year that I post full face pictures.

Oh Missy Kate, so corsets, I love wearing them, but they take a little time to get used to wearing.  when I first got mine it took me a while before I could really pull it closed tight.  You need to train your body, going slowly (also over tightening to soon can hurt the corset).  But right now I get 2 to 3 inches off my waist with my corsets.  I need to order a new one soon as mine I pull the tight.  I am going to hold off and see after a couple months of biking and hard dieting where my figure is.

This first dress I just love, I think it looks so retro 70s (got it from Macys)
Here is another dress from Macys that I also just love.
This one I got from Victoria Secret (where I get most of my clothing from)
Another Victoria Secret dress, this one is nice for winter, nice and warm to wear (do not like the picture, but I guess I will leave it for now)
This last dress I just got today, I really like it (the halter top you tie, so you can change how you wear it), but I hate my shoulders in it.  They are way to big, and my arms are to big also.  God I hope soon they start to get smaller.  I only eat around 1000 calories today, and biked twice! (for 500 or 600 calories).

XOXOXO
Vicky

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Wow 18 views today and my first comment from someone!

Thank you Missy Kate for your comment.  So you tried the TransFemme pills in the past and they really worked?  I was wondering if they would work.  You said you did not take the full dose (they say what 8 pills twice a day?)  How many did you take?  Once summer is over I am going to try them.  I will start with 1 pill twice a day for a month, then 2 pills twice a day for a month, then 3 pills twice a day for a month and just see what kind of effect they have on me.  By the time winter comes around I should have my figure smaller.

<edit> I just found Missy Kate's blog that she also started recently so if people are reading mine, they might want to ready hers also <http://themissykate.wordpress.com/>.  And after looking over your blog Missy .. I had totally forgotten about Transformation (http://www.transformation.co.uk/) ... I also tried their products ... god like 4 years ago .. or was it 5 years ... I ordered their double strength breast cream, double strength nipple cream, Anti Androgen pills, and something else I can not remember .. something that was female hormones. The creams I used twice a day, and the pills I took 1/2 of each twice a day (I opened them up and mixed them together into 1 pill of 1/2 and 1/2 and took that twice a day).  They did effect me.  They altered my body fat, I started to store on my hips (which is why my hips are currently larger then they ever had bin), and my thighs and butt also.  And my breasts did bud, the area under the nipples got puffy and triangular in shape, the over all breasts did grow a little (and that is probably why I have any chest fat ... not the herbs I have been taking ... I totally forgot about doing this).  But I freaked out when I saw how large the area under the nipples were getting (and not full breasts) and stopped, I tossed it all out.

Again thanks for the comment Missy Kate.

XOXOXO
Vicky

Okay so here are some pictures after all

I was cleaning and I was thinking .. what does it hurt to post up a picture?  This blog is to keep trace of my change, right now I have upper body mass, no one will know who this is.  So okay here are a couple pictures.  I had to add a new picture in as the second one (was the first one) I was not smiling and my mother always used to yell at my to smile in pictures.  So here is one of me smiling.


And here is one that I did not have the delay set, but I like it anyways.
And finally here is one of the cleavage I have, okay so I am cheating a little here, I am wearing in all these pictures a 34A cup pushup bra with some a gel insert that helps shape/enhance the breasts.


XOXOXO
Vicky

So ....

... well I took some pictures of myself dressed up ... and looking at them, god I still have a ton of upper body bulk!  I am just still to large.  I think I am going to have to try drastic starvation measures to get my body size down.  try to increase the calorie burn in my workouts and eat less.  This would cause my body to use itself for fuel.  I am to ashamed of those pictures to post them up.  Like I said before I do not want to post up a guy in a dress pictures.  I want to post up a transsexual woman picture.  So no pictures yet.  I will try extreme diet this week and see how that gets me.  So I even used my corsets to get a smaller waist, but my shoulders and arms are just to large still. :'(  I might have to start lifting badly to try and burn up the muscles ... if I do not eat and over lift, that will cause my body to breakdown the muscles and with nothing to rebuild them with they will slowly go away.  I guess I am going to go on a carrot and pepper diet this week .. maybe a little yogurt.

XOXOXO
Vicky

Did some research on Piercings

So it turns out that belly button piercings take the longest to recover from, taking anywhere from a couple months to a year in some cases.  Damn!  So I guess I will need to hold off till this coming up winter to get my belly button pierced. :(  I was really hoping I could do this in May, but I would need to be healed up by June for the summer.

I did spend some time this early afternoon working on controlling my butt muscles while in the bath after working out this morning.  I spend a good oh 20 min or so working on coordinating my bouncing and butt muscle tightening relaxing on my dildo.  Practicing how to rock my hips, circle movements, back and forth, up and down .. all while trying to get down the squeezing of my ass muscles.

I am going to go to the grocery store now to get some food for this coming up week, but when I get back I will take some pictures and see how they look, and if they look okay enough I will post them up in a new post.

XOXOXO
Vicky

Tucking - hiding your man parts

So tucking is a must if you are cross-dressing.  For those of you that do not know what tucking is, that is where you slide your balls back up inside yourself, fold the skin of your scrotum and then pull your penis back between your legs over your them.  This is a must if you are wearing skirts or dresses or any tight clothing as you do not want to see a bulge from your manhood.  When you are tucked you can not get fully hard from the way you are pushed down so that also helps hide you.  Also it makes crossing your legs as a girl when you sit easier cause things are out of the way, no worries about crushing them.  Now some people tape themselves up .. I do not normally tape, I only tape if I am wear a really small g-string, and I never tape my penis up, must my balls.  Wear a really small pair of panties when you ball falls out and slides outside the panties can rub against your clothing and get raw and hurt (and my penis stays pulled back, just my balls can sometimes fall back out).  I live my life tucked as all I wear are panties.  At first I had trouble getting my 'boy' back up inside me.  But with patience and practice and a little care I was able to start sliding them back up.  At first I could only get them back up when I was on my back with my legs spread up in the air so they naturally fall against me, but now they easily go up easily (and I can do it while standing in the bathroom) and they also naturally go up when my scrotum is contracted (like if it is cold out, or when I orgasm .. up they go!).  So something that I have recently noticed, I think my penis when limp is smaller then it used to be which is making it easier to hide it.  When I am fully hard I think I am still the same size (no extra hanging skin), but when I am fully soft, my skin hangs over my penis hiding it (almost like I was not circumcised).  I am not sure if this is lack of use, or from all he herbs I have been taking.  But I am okay with it.  I am totally okay with not being functional.  I figure at sometime I will go on hormones and that normally makes you non-functional.  I plan to be a bottom girl so I do not need it to work.  This also leads me into will I get it cut off and become a full woman?  I am not sure.  Right now I am okay with him and I am open to the thought of doing it, but also okay with not doing it.  But I know myself and I have a feeling that once I live my life full time as  woman I will want to go full woman and get the surgery to give me a vagina.  But I have a while before I need to make that decision.

XOXOXO
Vicky

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Piercings

So when I got out of the shower I was standing there checking out how my tan was coming along (and it is coming along nicely, the bikini bottoms are really leaving nice tan lines, the sides have 2 string tan lines as it has 2 string times on the sides, and the heart butt cut out is tanning, I think it is starting to look more heart like .. before it just looked like a black and blue or a smug).  So there I was standing and looking in the mirror and I thought to myself that I really need to get my belly button pierced soon.  I love the look of a tight thin waist with a belly button piercing (yea, my waist it not thin yet, but it is getting there, the sit ups are really helping tighten up my waist and the biking I am dropping the fat .... So at the start of this year I was wearing 33/34 inch waist pants, I can now fit into the only pair of 31" waist pants I have and my 32" waist pants are really starting to get lose on me).  Now the bellybutton I can get done anytime as it will be easy to hide.  I also want to get my tongue pierced, but that is a trickier one.  I need to get some time where I can take a long weekend and just stay home as I will have trouble talking after it is done.  From what I understand giving a blowjob with a pierced tongue feels great, that ball rolling over the shaft and head as you lick and suck.  I need to start looking into piercings, I need to start going to them and talking with them about this.  At some point I will get my ears also pieced, but that will be later when I come out as it is harder to hide.

XOXOXO
Vicky

Kids can be funny and notice things

So last night I hung out and had dinner with some friends and their kids.  (I have known them since we were all kids and they are like family to me).  Their daughter loves to 'pet' arms and last night she was petting my arm and she said that my skin was so smooth and soft, much softer than mommy's hers is all cracked and scratched.  It was really hard to not burst out giggling.  But I do try to take care of my skin.  I always exfoliate with a puff, I use Dove soap (they have a new body lotion soap that has a ton of moisturizer in it) and I have been using Kiehl moisturizers for many years know.  And now that I am tanning I am really crazy about moisturizing as I do not want to dry out my skin.

Also thinking back to kids .. my sister's kid ... I think it was maybe 2 years ago when I was holding him he grabbed my breast (he was in a breast grabbing phase back then) and said you have boobies.  I was so shocked and happy at the same time .. glade no adult could see my face, I quickly said no no, guys have chest muscle, we have pectoral muscles, not breasts, women have breasts.  Actually thinking back .. I totally forgot that I did once try breast growth cream (oh and nipple cream along with it), they were hormone creams.  And I will say they did work some.  Thinking back that is where I got the start of my breast 'fat' (the little I do have, and I do have a little .. you will see when I get some pictures up .. probably today or tomorrow).  So I did love the creams, and the reason I stopped was the breast was starting to 'bud' out a little, the area around the nipple was pushing up so I was getting the starting bud growth, but it was starting to get visible on a tight shirt and back then I was not ready to even think about coming out (now as soon as I have the figure I will declare I am a woman).  mmmm I should get those creams again soon and start using them, the nice thing is they focus the hormones at the breasts so you do not store the hip/butt/thigh fat when you take pills.

Well I need to go get my morning biking in today as I have a morning tanning appointment, need to keep working on my tan lines!!!

XOXOXO
Vicky

Friday, April 15, 2011

Wow 8 people viewed my blog today!

So this is an interesting surprise today.  8 people have viewed my blog and 1 person had tagged is for following.  That is so cool.  Now I feel I must really post up more about my thoughts and my physical transformation.  One problem I do see is that physical transformation takes time.  I mean I have been busting my butt biking now for 2 weeks and my weight has been similar the whole time.  Yea I know working out normally causes you to gain weight at first as you work your muscles and ton/tighten them.  And I know my legs have been getting toned and tightened as my skirts feet better around the hips and upper thigh and waist.  But it takes a while to really start to lose.  I guess I need to get over my camera fear and get some pictures posted to track my progress (but my fear with that is that I am to manly right now .. to much upper body, and well the world does not need another guy in a dress .. we need more feminine transsexuals).  Well I guess I can just suck it up and take some this weekend and see how they look and maybe post a couple.

Oh and something that is very important for any woman .. her name.  So the name that I normally use online when chatting and the name that I always seem to be drawn to is Victoria.  I do not know what it is about that name, but I just like it, also I can go by Vicky (or Vikkie for a different spelling) for short.  I like the idea of Vicky.  What do people think about that for a name?

Well I am off to bike for an hour.

XOXOXO
Vicky ( guess I should start to sign my posts :D )

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I wish it was acceptable to wear any clothing you wanted

I really wish it was acceptable for guys to wear skirts and dresses.  I love the feel of them, the freedom I feel wearing them.  Every morning when I get out of the shower I put on my panties, a bra, a skirt, heeled slippers and then on top either a beach coverup wrap or a short silky robe or a little hoody zipper and I wear that as I get ready for work (like iron my cloths for the day, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, type this blog post).  Then normally after I iron my shirt I swap it for what ever i am wearing on top (normally I iron first and change tops).  But it always pains me to have to change out of my clothing before I go to work.  I just feel wrong in the mens clothing.  I feel right in the skirts and dresses.  I think once I get my figure smaller I will start to wear womens clothing outside, but stuff that one could mistake as guys (like pants and shirts).  Well that is all for now, I need to get to work, just thought I would post up my thoughts about this.

XOXOXO

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Things are going well

Hello to anyone reading my blog.  So things are moving along.  My thighs and hips are getting thinner from working out.  I think it is cause my legs are starting to tone.  My skirts that are size 10 are starting to get loser now.  My upper body is not getting thinner yet, I figure since I am only doing lower body working out it will take a bit before my body cannibalizes my upper body bulk.  My tanning is also coming along well.  The bikini top tan lines are almost gone, I can still see some fainter area where it was.  This coming up winter I will tan with the bikini top on, but not for this summer.  The bottom tan lines are really nice.  The heart cut out on my butt is tanning also, but it is not really in a heart shape right now, it is more a blob :(  I guess I am not doing a good job of lining up the tan marks with the bikini when I tan.

This is really taking most of my evening, but I think it will be worth it in the end.  Tanning, working out, soaking in the bath ... and then it is 8 pm.  But it will get my the body I want!  So it is totally worth it.  For working out I am biking for 30 min in the morning when I first get up.  Then after work and tanning I do abs, then butt/leg exercises, then bike for an hour, then do the butt/leg exercises again, abs again, and finally stretch.  The bike says I am burning 500 to 600 calories a day from biking.  And I am trying to keep my calories intake around 1000 to 1200 ... keeping my calorie intake low means I should start to really burn fat and muscle.  I am not going to measure myself till the end of April, after a month work really working out and eating less I should be able to drop a lot quickly. 

XOXOXO

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Corsets - I Love Them

Corsets, they are a great thing.  I must say that a good corset can really help you get a nice feminine waist line, that hourglass figure you want.  When I wear my corset my waist measures around 3 inches smaller!  But I must warn you, do not get a cheap corset.  Go out and buy the real thing.  Places like Fredrick's of Hollywood sell 'corsets' but those are not real corsets, they are clothing.  They are more for someone with a figure that just wants to tighten it up.  If you are looking for something that will create real curves for you get a real corset.  Yes those other say they are bonded, they have lace up backs, but the material they are made out of is not stiff enough to really pull you in tight.  You are probably looking at spending $200 to $300 for the corset.

Now I love the feel of a corset, how tight it holds you, how it squeezes your body.  I wish I could wear one all day long, but since I am not 'out' yet, I can not.  Also once you start you need to go easy at first, slowly making it tighter and tighter.  I main corset I currently wear is a 26inch one (they say to get them 4 to 6 inches smaller then your waist) and now I can pull it fully closed, so almost time for a smaller one.

I have bought all my corsets from absolute corsets (http://www.absolutecorsets.com/), they are great.  I had many email exchanges with them explaining to them I was a male cross dresser and I wanted a corset to give me an hourglass figure.  They explained a lot about corsets to me and which models they thought would work best for me.  The first corset I got (which was to short as when it pushed me in, it also made it bulge a little out from the bottom was #VO-4000u (it was only 10" long in the front).  After wearing that for a little while I got another one that was longer (the #T-124, it is 13" long and that made it just long enough to cover more of my belly).  And I must say I love it, it is great and wear it when I am home.  It will take a little while to get used to it, it does make you sit/stand up straight, you cannot bend at the waist, so you need to squat down to pick something up.  Now I am hoping that with the corsets I can squeeze my ribs smaller.  The only problem is that you need to wear it a lot to get that kind of results (every so often I try to wear it to bed, but I am a stomach sleeper, and wearing a corset just does not work very well when sleeping on your tummy, you could do it if you slept on your back).  The last corset I got was an overbust one, they are longer (I got the #VO-411u that is 17" in the front, 15" in the back .. front is larger cause it covers your bust).  Now this one I had them special order for my measurements, I was afraid the cups would be for a large woman if I just got the standard one.  So I measured out my body and they custom sized it to me.  Now this thing fits like a glove so nice and snug.  And I really love wearing it with a bra under it the bra pushup helps to push my chest up and together, and then the corset just pushes them more, making it look like I have more of a chest.

XOXOXO

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Clothing I wear and where I buy from.

I mostly order from Victoria Secret (http://www.victoriassecret.com).  I find their clothing fits me the best.  And I am so hooked on their Pink line panties, they have hot cute saying across the butts.  (I just put in an order today for 7 more cute panties .. well and 2 new skirts, 2 new blouses, a new pair of heeled sandals, a new bra, and a nice white sheer beach coverup). God I love them, I must have around 50 panties just from pink .. not counting my thongs.  And their bras fit nicely.  The normal bras 36A fits well, but the Pink series bras the 34A fits nicely also (they do not have 36As).  I also found that I really like Jezebel bras and thongs (http://www.barenecessities.com/ and http://www.macys.com/).  I also shop for normal clothing at Macys.com (nice nighties).  Fredrick's of Hollywood (http://www.fredericks.com) has really sexy stuff, but I find it is a lot smaller cut then I can wear, which is a shame, maybe when I get thinner I can wear their stuff.  I also found that Shape FX (http://www.shapefx.com/) has nice stuff that helps to control your figure, I have a dress and skirt and swimsuit from them.

  The one piece of advice I can give about clothing .... by real woman's clothing if you can.  With online it is so easy to do, no one sees your face, knows you are buying and it just shows up at your door a couple days later.  I have ordered some stuff from transgenders sites.  But I must say their clothing quality is always cheap and their clothing is more expensive.  Macys and Victoria Secret always have sales, you can get stuff cheaper, and normally it is a higher quality.  So far the only thing I have found from transgender clothing sites is their shirts fit me better cause I am still manly in the upper body, but I hope over the next few months that will change.

XOXOXO

Cross-Dressing

  I measured myself this morning when I woke up, not a lot has changed in the last week, but my waist is getting a little smaller.  My pencil skirts are fitting better now (currently I am a size 10, my shoulders are upper body are still a bit to large, so tops are tight, but that should get better as I get thinner).  It might just be my imagination, but my breasts do seem a little fuller, I message them daily and take herbal pills (the same ones in breast growth pills).  There seems to be a little more fat in my breasts.

  So this post is about my cross-dressing.  I started at a very early age, about 2 I would guess, yes yes it was not my choice back then, my mother and older sister loved to play dress up with me.  They would dress me up in all my sister's old dresses, put makeup on me, and curlers in my golden hair, my mother kept telling my father I should wait for my first hair cut.  They even called me Sally Joe.  Now they knew my father would flip if he ever saw this, so they made sure to keep it hidden, but as all hidden things .. they at one point where found out, to slow getting me cleaned up and my father saw me with curlers in my hair.  Well the next day was my first haircut.  But my sister kept dressing me up.  I used to run around in her ballerina costumes.  I loved wearing them.  The leotards, tights, and tutus.  (ooo .... I should get some to wear now).  I think that was my favorite thing to play as a kid, dressing up in my sisters clothing.  Thinking back, I think I had to start being secret about my dressing up when I was probably around 10 years old ... give or take.  Then it became a different game, dressing up fully with panties and bras, nylons, dresses or skirts and blouses.  I always liked dresses and skirts, but the only skirts I could wear before this was if my sister had a dance skirt in a costume.  My mother had a wig that I found hidden in her closet that I used to wear.  I often would stay home 'sick' from school just so I could dress up and be at home alone all day dressed up.  I would just do what I would have normally done if home alone, just in a dress or skirt.  I was never caught as I was always careful about being in bed around lunch time just in case either of my parents came home to check up on me.  I used to stuff the bras with socks or washcloths.  Once I did leave a pair of washcloth balls on my sister's bed, my mother found it and I could hear her talking aloud about it, but she never asked me.  My 2 favorite outfits were a fuzzy tight dark purple long sleeve dress that was knee length, oh I loved how it felt against my body.  The other one was this white full length skirt that had a lot of lace detail and trim and with it I would wear a white with blue trim button up blouse and she had a large wide brimmed white with blue trim hat.  For underwear it was all just basic cotton panties and cotton t-shirt bras.  Nothing really sexy, this was my sister's high school clothing back in the 80s. 

  Even while I was in college I would dress up any chance I could.  Any time I had a little time along at my parents I would dress up in my sister's clothing (she was also in college so most of her older high schools were still at my parents house).  Even after college that stuff stayed there for a few years .. lucky for me!  I loved it when my parents went away for a week and I got to house sit.  I would dress up all the time, I even used to wear bikinis and suntan around the pool.  I even would dress up in my girlfriends clothing.  If they left something at my place .. or I was alone at their place (say there were at class .. that was an hour for me to dress up and sit around and do my own homework).

  I do not think I really started to buy my own clothing till maybe 2005(maybe 2004 .. not sure on the year).  I ordered a bunch of panties, mostly thongs or cheeky panties.  Ever since then that is all I wear.  I also ordered some tight yoga pants, skirts, dresses, shirts, nylons, bra, heels, swimsuits, nightgowns.

XOXOXO

Friday, April 8, 2011

Busy busy busy

So I have not posted for a few days, been really busy.  By the time I get home from work, go to the tan salon, then bike for an hour, work out my abs, butt, and thighs, get a shower .. sometimes get something to eat it is after 8 pm and I am beat.  But things are going well. Tomorrow morning when I wake up I will measure my body and see who a week of biking an hour every night is working.  Today I did double ab, butt, thigh workouts .. both before and after the biking.  Starting Monday I will bike 30 min in the morning and 1 hour after work.  I will be burning between 450 to 500 calories a day, and keeping my intake low this should help me drop weight quickly.  I figure I am eating about 1000 give or take calories a day.  I eat 2 yogurts that are 100 calories each, a yogurt drink that is 230 calories, diner is normally cereal with milk with is between 100 to 200 calories (going with 200 so I over count) that is up to 630 .. and then I have lunch which is normally a sandwich (or salad if I was to lazy to make a sandwich before work) ... I am guessing that is not much over 400 calories .. so around 1000 a day.  I might be able to get down to 125 lbs this year!  That would be really great.  Also the sooner I get slimmer the sooner I can go on Craigslist and start experimenting and exploring being a bottom girl.

The tanning is coming along really well.  I have had to stop using the bikini top, the tan lines are really obvious now.  Once summer is over I will wear it again to keep tan lines during the winter, and by next summer I plan to be out so tan lines will be okay.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Tan lines!

As this posts title says ... after 2 days of tanning, I do have very faint tan lines!  When I got out of the shower this morning I noticed that I did have faint tan lines on my chest from the bikini top!  I was like OMG!!  So cute.  I was a little disappointed that I do not have bikini bottom tan lines yet, I think I need to lay on my tummy next time I tan, maybe cause the butt is pushed against the machine it does not tan as well.  Cause I did not have any tan lines on my back from the strings of the top.  But now I really need to make a decision about the bikini top, while I really really want the top triangle tan lines ... I am not sure I am ready for that, maybe I could get a swim shirt so I can hide the tan lines this summer?  I think when I go Wed I will will the top one more time and see.

But got to run to work now.  If anyone is reading this have a nice day.

XOXOXO

Monday, April 4, 2011

bath time fun

  So with working out I think I will be taking more baths to soak my legs, after my bike ride today my legs were dead!  But I like to 'play' in the bath with my dildo.  Today my bath took about 45 min!  I like to suck on my dildo while the tub fills with water, working on deep throating it, I can just take the thing fully for a few seconds before I have to get it out of my throat (I am using this thing http://www.extremerestraints.com/realistic-dildos_40/the-perfect-penis_1560.html.  I have to say I do love it).  Then once the tub is full I sit back and massage my breasts, 10 minutes each breast (5 min per hand per breast as each hand works the breast differently).  I have read that massage could help breast growth.  Then once that is done (20 min) I get the dildo lubed up and into my ass it goes!!!!  It does take a little work to get it into my ass, but with a little time and work I get it in nicely and can play with my ass.  Then next thing I know ... a lot of time has passed.  hehehehehe

XOXOXO

My first exposure to transsexual women

The first transsexual woman I saw (and I was not looking for them, I just found her in an online search) was Raquel Reyes (back when she had her own web site with tons of pictures around 2000ish I think). She is so beautiful and sexy and hot. Once I found her she was all I could think about sexually (I even used to think about her when I was with my girlfriend back then .. and my girlfriend was a college gymnast ... young, tight, flexible, gorgeous .. and I was still thinking about being with Raquel instead of her).
  From that point on all I watched and looked at was transsexual porn.  At first I thought I was drawn to it because all the oral was blowjobs, and all the sex was anal (I always wanted to try anal with my girlfriends and they never would let me).  At first I would jerk off watching and wishing I could be the guy, but very quickly I realized I was really wishing I could be the tgirl sucking the guy .. taking it anally ... not having her with me.  Now I know what you are thinking ... but I was dating and having sex with women at the time.  So no it is not some sort of mental perversion from no sex and wanting it (trust me I have thought about that but I was having sex so it is not that). I guess I should have seen that coming with the way my online sex chatting had switched to me being the girl, but this newest realization shocked me anyways.  Now society does not support this, and hell my family would all die if they knew.  But yea, when I realized that I was lusting to be the tgirl and with the guy that freaked me out.  While I had always dressed up in dresses and skirt my whole life .. this was different.  I mean while in college I had thoughts once in a great while about gay sex, wondering, as I knew some gay guys, but never really anything more then a passing thought.  I do know some acquaintances back in college used to think I was gay, not really sure why, the only reason I know is they would good friends with my good friends and my good friends would pick on me about it (even though I always had a girlfriend and my good friends always knew her).  I mean looking back did they see something I did not back then?  But sorry I am drifting off topic here.  So where was I .. I was watching transsexual and realized I was lusting/dreaming to be the tgirl .. yea .. the really did freak me out.  I was still online sex chatting with guys about being a girl .. I guess maybe I should have realized that turning me on was abnormal and something was different.  But I did not really think about it that way ... it was my way to talk about sex with people (I never tried to go back to chatting with girls, I was hooked).  Looking back it all makes so much sense, but back then I was scared.  I was raised somewhat religious and my family is a little religious, not crazy, but a little.  I was always told gay was wrong.  So it was really hard for me to accept I wanted to be a girl and suck guys.  That is why it has taken me a decade to come to terms with this and accept this.

So I just fought the thoughts and dated more women, worked out more, lifted heavier weights.  Try to be more manly.  Some time during the winter of 2004/2005 I realized I was not happy with women, I started to date less, and did not even want to have sex with the women when I did date.  I also realized around that time that when I saw a hot woman, instead of thinking about how I would love to fuck her .. I felt jealous of her, of how hot she was, knowing she could have all the sex she wanted with hot guys, have any guys she wanted,  thinking that if I was her I would suck and fuck every guy I saw.  I realized I would look at women and watch them to see how they acted, walked, moved, so I can be like them.  This also really freaked me out, but it never stopped my thoughts.  I also realized that I was looking at guys and thinking how hot they were, wondering if they would sleep with a sub bottom transsexual.  I have to say in all this I never once thought about being a top girl, I have always thought about being a bottom girl.  I have never been interested in porn where the girl tops.  I like watching the tgirl as a girl.  Dreaming of being the bottom girl.  So yea, all I wanted to do was watch transsexual porn and dream about being one of them.  I got more turned on thinking about being the tgirl while I watched then really the sexy on the monitor, I mean it helped, but really the thought that I wanted to be her, wishing I was her, sucking the guy off ... it turned me on the most.  I have not yet been with a man, once I get my figure I will go onto craigslist I think and find some guys to experiment and explore with (and maybe fine a full time boyfriend).  I have used dildos on my own ass and sucked them and love it.

XOXOXO

My first real 'gay' thoughts

  So I got my exercise bike today, did a 1 hour ride this evening.  Felt good.  Also went for my second day of tanning, I cannot wait till I get some cute little tan lines from the bikini!  But I think I am not going to use the top this year, just the bottom.  a bikini top tan will be seen by people over the summer and I am not ready to come out yet.  But the sexy bottom tan .. now that will be nice, the only people seeing that will be those that will be pumping my ass .. and I hope it turns them on more!

  Okay, now to the real post for today.  This is a decade back, but I think before I found out about transsexual women I first found out about online sex chat (around 2000).  And I quickly realized that logging in as a guy looking for a girl to chat with about sex never happened, I realized there was always a ton more guys then girls.  (and I just want to note that during this I was dating women and having sex .. my girlfriend at the time was not very good with blowjobs and never swallowed .. and I think that is what pushed me to chat online about sex).  One day, I am not sure why, I logged in with a girl name and started to talk with guys about sex.  At first I just explained what I wished my girlfriend would do to me, not really paying attention to what the guy wrote, just talking about how I wished my girlfriend would suck me.  Normally that would get the guy off and he would leave chat.  But after a few times I started to read what the guys were typing and replied to what they were typing, not just thinking about what I wanted a girl to do to me, but more talk to them about how I would suck them off (I even found myself making sucking movements with my mouth and tongue as I typed it, jerking off the air at my mouth).  I have to say this turned me on more then just thinking about what a woman was doing to me.  I kind of freaked out at this, but I could not stop, I was hooked and addicted.  I would sometimes stay home alone just so I could talk with guys about sucking them, always saying I was a girl.  I also started to get into talking about being fucked, I always tried to turn it into anal sex, I am not sure why, I was pretending to be a girl, but I wanted to talk about anal sex, not vaginal sex.  I always felt so kinky when talking to the guys about sucking them off, even when not online I would think about it, think about how I would give a blowjob, what would turn a guy really on, what I thought would drive them crazy as I knew what felt good to me.  I started to search and read online about how to give a better blowjob, watching any video I could to see the tgirls techniques for doing it.  Anal sex was a little harder to talk about since I never had anything in my ass before, so I found myself daydreaming about it at work, wondering what it would feel like, how to describe it.  But I also had to think about vaginal sex, so guys would not figure out I was a guy chatting with them.  I started to think what would be the grammar and wording a girl would use?  How would they say thing?  What would they talk about?  How would I describe the walk, dancing to tease, pickup lines to use on a guy, how to react to guys pickup lines.  Always afraid they would find out from something I said and I would get blackballed from the chat site.  That made me so happy.  While I had always dressed up my whole life, this was the first time I was trying to think about being an actual girl.  I would get all giddy and giggle when guys would make comments about how girly I was, how cute I was, how sexy I was.

XOXOXO

Sunday, April 3, 2011

What is my goal?

  So I figure I should start with what my goal is.  So my end goal is to become a transsexual woman, a fully passable bottom submissive TGirl.  I am not sure about having full replacement surgery, I might get it, or I might stop just short of it, I am not sure yet.  But at this point I do not have to worry about that.  To get to the end goal (which could take me years), is to get a female figure.  My dream figure, which I am not sure I will be able to get to, but I need to have an end goal .. is to get my weight down to 125 lbs.  Now I understand that realistically I might not be able to get that thin but it is okay.  So for the first phase I am setting a goal of getting to 140 lbs by the end of July 2011. I feel that this is a reachable goal.  Oh I stand 5'8" tall.  Today I weighted in at 166 lbs.  At the beginning of this year my company had a biggest loser weight lose contest, and I put on a little extra weight for it, I was about 184 lbs.  So I have already lost almost 20 lbs so far this year.  At the start of this year my waist was a 33" or 34" (base on the pants cut) ... right now I am down to a 31" or 32" waist.  I know to get a nice female figure I need to get my waist down around 26", and if I can get down to 125 lbs, I know my waist will be smaller.  I currently wear a 36 bra band (well mostly 36, there are some cuts that I can wear 34 ban .. but I will post up another day about my thoughts on clothing and stores).  I measured myself yesterday and so far this year I have lost 1/2" on my calves, 1" on my thighs, 1.5" on my waist, 1/2" under my chest, 1" over my chest, 1/2" on my forearms, and 1/5" on my biceps. 

  So once I get the my figure closer to my goal I will start to think about feminization facial surgery.  I have no problem with using surgery to get to my goal.  I have a feeling I will need a nose job, I am not sure what else, I will have to wait and see when I get my weight down how my face looks.  So either the end of this year or the start of next year I will do the facial surgery.

  For breasts ... I will first try pills, now I realize they will probably not work, but I would like to try natural breasts first before surgery.  I will try hormones and breast growth pills (I think I will try these first: http://www.transfemme.com/ ... the same product as http://www.bountifulbreast.com/).  So my end chest size depends on what my bra band ends up being.  if I stay at a 36 bra then I will either go C cup or D cup (I am 50/50 right now on which one to get).  But if my bra band gets down to 34 then I will probably go with either B (maybe C cup).

Today I bought a stationary recumbant bike that is getting delivered tomorrow.  This should really help me drop weight faster.  I do have a problem that when I was younger I was afraid of what I was thinking about this subject and I tried to go all manly and lifted a lot, so I have a bunch of bulk in my shoulders and upper body that I need to drop. 

I need to take some pictures to help me record my transformation, but .. I need to drop more weight before I look more feminine

I was thinking about pictures ... and I am torn, I want to document my change, but I do not want to post pictures of a guy overweight in a dress.  So I think I might take some pictures but not post them till I get closer to my goal and do before and after shots.  Another problem I am seeing is that summer is coming around and I am not sure what to do about shaving my body.  If I do not stop shaving it will become
obvious in a couple of months.  And since I am not 'out' about this change I think I am going to have to stop shaving :(  Also I was thinking about tanning, I am going to have to only tan with bikini bottoms on, as if I tan with the top on it will be visible when I take my shirt off in the summer ... again :(  Speaking of tanning .. I went to a local tanning salon that had a special this month for all the tanning I wanted at one price .. so today was my first tan! :D  I picked up this really cute little bikini that will give me sexy tan lines and a little tan heart cutout on the butt so it will tan (http://www.kiskin.it/shop/happy-v.html).  I think this will look so cute with the tan sides and heart on the butt.

I did start this year taking herb pills that claim to support breast growth and feminization.  I take Saw Palmetto, Wild Yam, Fenugreek, and Black Cohosh .. taking the pills 4 times a day (doubling the Saw Palmetto pills as they are claim to be a testosterone blocker which will help the estrogen not get destroyed in your body).

Well that ended up being a longer post then I thought it would be.  Oh well.

XOXOXO

Thoughts about blogging

So this is my first blog, and I think I am posting up to much into one post and I need to make smaller more focused posts.  This blog is more for a place for me to put my thoughts and progress about my transformation.  I I do not expect others to find and read my blog, but if they do that is okay, and if you are reading please feel free to comment to my posts.

  So I am going to redo my posts and try to make more focused themes to each one.  Like I think my first new post will be what is my goal and current progress, then  a post about how I found out about transsexual woman, maybe then a post about my childhood dressing up ... So if anyone actually reads this please let me know if you think this is better.

XOXOXO

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Mental War I Have Been Having for the Last Decade

  Morning everyone, this is day 2 of my blog.  I think for today this post I will talk about some of the mental issues and wars I have been having with myself for the last decade.  It is a Saturday, but I could not sleep in this morning so I just got up, and while I sat down with my cup of hot tea and thought I would post.  I am still in my nightgown and robe.  They are both from Flora Nikrooz, I really like their nightgowns.  Both are 100% Polyester and feel very silky.

  I was thinking about pictures ... and I am torn, I want to document my change, but I do not want post pictures of a guy overweight in a dress.  So I think I might take some pictures but not post them till I get closer to my goal and do before and after shots.  Another problem I am seeing is that summer is coming around and I am not sure what to do about shaving my body.  If I do not stop shaving it will become obvious in a couple of months.  And since I am not 'out' about this change I think I am going to have to stop shaving :(  Also I was thinking about tanning, I am going to have to only tan with bikini bottoms on, as if I tan with the top on it will be visible when I take my shirt off in the summer ... again :(

<edited out to a post a shorter post above>

  I guess back to my title about the metal war I was having ... I always felt wrong about it all, but it never stopped me, it never turned me away.  Yea I tossed out all the girl stuff, but it did not stop me from getting more.  I would have times that I would cry because I was afraid I was broken somehow or just messed up and wrong.  But I could not fight what I wanted, what I was realizing.  I guess I am glad I have a strong self of myself ... to many people kill themselves over this kind of stuff.  While I have thought bad about myself over this, I have never once thought about hurting myself because of it.  I am not sure what kind of advice I could give someone about this.  I just tried to put the bad thoughts out of my head (I know it is hard to do), but it took me a while to come to terms and accept this.  There were many times I cried myself to sleep because of my feelings.  But I guess the one thing I would say is do not give up, explore it and make sure this is what you want and for you.  I guess I can not really say that as I have not explored with a guy yet, but I will do that once I get my figure before I do anything else.  So far I have just spent money on items .. nothing that can not be changed.  dropping weight is okay if I end up deciding guys are not for me (which I really do not think will happen, I mean I do not look at women like that anymore .. I do not wish to be wish a women anymore, just to be them .. I look at guys and wonder what they look like naked, and how hot they are ... are they hung).

  Well I have been typing for a while and typed a lot ... so that is all for now.  Need to get a shower and then go check out the local tanning salon about tanning .. with my new bikini bottom for sexy tan lines!! :D

XOXOXO

Friday, April 1, 2011

Where to begin?

  So I am now home from work, sitting here with a glass of merlot wine, I just got changed into a nice warm brown and red turtleneck sweater dress that is just below my knees (snugly warm).  It is cold out today, I thought it was Spring, we had snow today on April 1st, it was over 6 inches of snow, but now it has warmed up and a lot of it has already melted.  But I am getting off track.

  This morning as I was driving in to work, I was thinking I could take the day off and call in claiming bad weather, and then I could work on my new blog.  But darn those work ethics.  But I did end up all day thinking about what to say.  Now where to begin?  Do you start back at the beginning when I was a kid?  Talk about dressing up back then or about looking back I always had different thoughts and feelings, but never understood them?  Or do I start with now, where I am, what I am doing for my transformation?

There is a lot here to start ... so to sum up incase you do not want to read it all .. my goal by the end of this year is a female figure.  Then probably next year get some feminizing facial surgery if and wear needed (probably nose job), and then see about trying to grow natural breasts with pills, if not get implants.  My goal weight is 140 lbs with a 28" waist (well smaller if I can, but just looking for a year goal to start that I can reach).  In the end I want to be a fully passable bottom submissive TGirl.

  So I guess I am going to start with where I am now and what I am doing for my transformation.  When I am home I only dress in woman's clothing.  I love skirts and dresses.  I am not out about this so I do not dressup when I go out.  I do only wear panties even when I go out, and most of the time I wear thigh high nylons, they feel so good on shaved legs and are easy to hide under pants (and I fully shave my body regularly).

<Edited to a newer shorter post above>

   So I think I am done for now.  That was a lot to get out there.  But that is sort of where I am right now and where I am looking to go physically.  My next post I guess I will talk about my past and what led up to this decision to make this change.

 XOXOXO

My First Post!

Hello everyone.  This is my first blog and first post.  I figured that I should start to keep a record about my transformation.  This is going to be short as it is in the morning and I need to get going to work.  I will post up more tonight.  But the short of it ... I have decided that I want to become a transsexual woman.  I know I am starting later in life then most do, but it has taken me a decade to come to terms with this and realize what I want.  I have been a crossdresser my whole life, when I was really little my sister used to dress me up all the time. 

But I really have to run, I will post more tonight. 

XOXOXO