Over the last decade I have tried to understand myself. Struggling with what I was feeling, who I was, why I am this way. I have often wondered if there was something wrong with me. Wondered where I went 'wrong'. Looking back over my life I think there are many 'signs' pointing towards the way I am, things that point to me being me. Most of them alone do not say why I am the way I am ... but looking at them all as a whole maybe was signs?
So I love the color pink, it is my favorite color, second is light purple. I have always lied about it, always said blue or green. If there was a game where I could be the pink peg, I would always take it and try to make it look like I was not looking, and if someone pointed it out I would just say oh I did not realize it, well I started with this one so I will keep going with it. It was hard to get clothing that was pink as a boy.
My favorite thing to play with was my older sister's Barbie dolls. I just used to love playing dress-up with them, fixing their hair, making them talk together, go out shopping, on dates with Ken, having a wedding. If I wanted to do something with my sister she always said it had to be Barbies, I pretended like I did not want to play, but secretly loved it. My father did not like me playing with dolls, so my mother got me some ken dolls, I even had the six million dollar man 'action figure' doll. But I normally just dropped them for a Barbie.
My second favorite thing to play was dressing up in my sister's ballerina costumes and putting on shows with her for my mother. I always tried to pick a pink leotard and tutu.
I loved dressing up in my older sister's clothing. I think if I had to pick one thing ... I think that might have been 'what was wrong with me' why I am the way I am. So from before I can remember my mother and sister used to dress me up in her old clothes like a living doll. They did my hair (sometimes in curlers) and put makeup on me. And I would spend the day like that playing around the house. They might change my outfits several times throughout the day. My mother always made sure I was back to normal before my father came home. But as all things, at some point you get caught. One day my father came home early and saw me like this and totally lost it. After that I was dressed up less and less. My mother used to say that my father would not approve and we need to stop. So one day I dressed myself up. I put on makeup, I looked like a scary clown. And I sat down to play. When my mother saw me she freaked out. She did not know what to do. I got in so much trouble, and that taught me to hide myself. So I did. Being young I was never left home alone and could not really find a time to dress up. Sometimes if I thought I had a little time I would sneak into my sisters room and dress-up even if for only 5 min before quickly changing back. I started to wear her panties under my normal clothes so I could have something girl on. The pinker, cuter, rufflier the better. I even would steal her pajamas and nightshirts to sleep in, quickly changing when I woke up before I left my room and hiding it between my mattress and box spring. As I got older and was left home alone I would spend any second I was home alone dressed as a girl. I remember the first time I was left alone. As soon as the door closed I rushed to my sister's room, looking back I should have waited till they drove away, but I did not. I remember exactly what I put on. I put on soft pink cotton panties, a white little training bra, and a dark purple fuzzy dress it was knee length and had long sleeves, a square neck, and fitted tight at the waist. I put on a thin black belt and a large brim sun hat. I just sat around the house and played like that. I loved the feeling of that dress against my skin, it became my favorite thing to wear.
Looking back I think the biggest sign of my sexuality might have been that the first time I did anything sexual was putting the leg of a Barbie doll in my butt. I do not know why I did it. I was home alone. I was playing with the Barbies. I went into the bathroom to go pee and brought one of them in with me. I got up from the toilet my panties around my ankles, lifted up the skirt I was wearing and pushed the leg against my ass. It did not go in easily so I got out the Vaseline and lubed it up and pushed it back against my ass and it went in so easily and painlessly. If you think about it a Barbie doll leg is perfect, the toes are tapered and thin, the leg gets a little thicker as it goes up, the thickest point is not very thick, it can bend, and the upper body is a great handle! I remember leaning against the sink bent forwards a little with my legs spread as wide as the panties would let me and worked my butt with the Barbie doll's leg while looking at myself in the mirror. I had on a hot pink tank top with ruffles on the shoulders, the skirt was a simple white flowing skirt that was knee length with dark purple flowers printed on it, white cotton panties at my ankles, and a white bra stuffed with socks. That was my first sexual experience, not jerking off, but working my ass. Yea that should have told me something. But it felt so good. God it felt so good. Over time I tried different things. I do not know where I got it from or why, but I had a gold painted railroad spike. That was good, the bottom was blunt and tapered, it was thicker than a Barbie doll leg (but not as thick as both legs), and the top was flat and large and something to hold onto as I worked my ass with it. I tried a drumstick, but did not like it, was afraid I would push it in to far and hurt myself. I tried food .. carrots, cucumbers, bananas ... did not like it as much. I would just either use the railroad spike or the Barbie doll's leg. I also learned quickly that the smell of your ass does not wash off easily, so I would use saran wrap to wrap the leg or spike first before I used Vaseline on it.
It took me a few times working my butt with the Barbie doll before I even tried jerking off. So another sign ... the first time I got off I had a Barbie doll leg up my ass ... yea I should have seen this. So like most boys I jerked off to women, I would look at any kind of magazine I could find, my sister always had tons of girl teen magazines that I would steal and jerk off to. Now when I say jerk off to pictures ... I was not thinking about the women sexually, as in wanting to have sex with them. No I was thinking about how the looked, how the outfits fit them, how sexy they looked, or how cute they looked, sometimes I wished my sister would get the outfits so I could wear them (that really got me horny, thinking wanting their clothes .. this should have been a sign to me), but never once did I think about wanting to fuck them, that thought never entered my mind. I had gotten my hands on some playboys from a friend, and I used to jerk off to them also, but again never thinking sexually about the woman, it was more looking at her gorgeous body and being amazed by how it looked, how soft it looked, how sexy it looked, how lucky she way, but again it was never about wanting to have sex with her. I do remember thinking she was lucky for her body .. but never really remember wanting to have her body. I do remembering wishing I could fill out the dress and blouses like they did, but at that point I never thought about being them. I just wanted to fit in the clothing better and not need socks in the bras.
Wow, this turned out to be a long post. I just started writing and thinking about my childhood and this post happened. Well I need to get breakfast and caffeine in me. So I am going to go for now. Need to use my anti-body hair cream!
XOXOXO
Vicky
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